I don't think I ever loved my kids father. It's a sad reality, but pretty sure on this one. A lot gets murky under the guise of positive male attention ...and it produced two of the 3 mammals I love the most, but the marriage was always a silly gig..
Wedding day...8.5 months with son-child...Pop says" you don't have to do it, sweetheart"..."drive to the coast and hangout and I will make your excuses...?"It was too late--I had been brainwashed with the idea of marriage before 'lil D made his entrance; tainted by a grip of old timers and in the box thinkers that thought my "image" and rising Chamber career would be "blemished and compromised". Wow, can a bitch get a do-over? I had no sooner popped the child and the hub showed his real colors...quit his job and stayed home---for what seemed an eternity. As I portrayed community-loving, Chamber chick and rose to the helm of that bullshit, I also gave the marriage another shot...even though half a year prior, I met a man I was instantly smitten with, I tried. Pregnant again on what was to be one of the last sexual encounters of our married life....yeah, do the math... The little lovely that was produced from that drunken Valentines Day hook up, could not be traded for anything in this world, but I was done with being the Mrs...and I acted accordingly....
Rendezvous; hotels; and multiple clandestine meetings and nearly 10 years later, I'm at long last convinced, you cannot make someone love you. It doesn't work that way...my choices are(where?) take my place in the long line of conquests and be grateful for the crumbs scattered intermittently or move the fuck on, once and for all. I picked a path. I could spin a self-righteous yarn about how I can intellectualize/compartmentalize and deal with it or I could save the semantic delusion and just say...I really am not in tune with how my heart really feels. The only other man I loved is dead...shit, I will NEVER get over that one..don't even want to.
So I have had my loves..? I think so. 2.5 is enough, I suppose. So I will lodge myself up the back side of my kids lives; continue to morph into a wacky dog lady and give my pooch human attributes, swear she meets my needs and be thankful I'm not dead and COMPLETELY crazy? Yep--Just for today...
***Update*** Christopher Gary Polk is not deceased. Though we have been in contact and I have embarrassingly bared my soul...I can't call it. He seems content with his life. Good for him.
