...it always has. I think its become self-fulfilling.
I'm very, very restless. Something is eating away at me and I feel I'm not in control. It's manifesting physically as well. Trying very diligently to embrace the positives--why be neg all the time? It's a battle, as I am very cynical and prone to stewing... I'm sure about only a few things and unsettled with the rest! Do I work my ass off and chase the buck or do I settle my ass down and progress slowly, quietly pacing myself? Wtf? It seems my kids are at a place where there is so damn much money going out, I may NEED to consider the former. MONEY! Fuck. I'm so not wired for that...I have made incredible money in my life, but at 48, its just not what I can get into, with the trade off being my kids home alone and me 50 miles away...My kids need me more than ever. I'm so disappointed in their father...I cannot even articulate how annoyed his actions make me feel. I want to shake his fat ass and tell him to wake the fuck up, already! Be involved! Be interested! My son will be 14 in a minute and my girl, just turned 12. Since he is unable to throw cash their way, how about your time and love? Put the tequila down and tune in...its a plea that falls on deaf ears.
I have realized that I am not enough for them. My father doesn't have the capacity to be a decent male role model..I have a predominant amount of male friends, but this is not their gig...and their involvement is often misinterpreted as something I want no part of, whatsoever! Hello? You have been my friend, you have seen me through MANY relationships/marriages/affairs....I'm a horrific girlfriend and a worse wife...been there done that! So, here we are...
I typically move when I feel like this...as if a venue change, changes all. Well, this time I'm gonna switch that up...I'm gonna bear down and hang in there---Christmas in the Condo 2013!
I can only try and be the best parent I can be...I hope someday the kids understand.
