Good

I did good today. Gave a hungry girl with a baby $20. She didn't have a dime until her check comes in. I didn't have an extra $20, but wanted to see if I could feel something. I didn't. Confirms that the shrink had it right. Clinically depressed. 

Got rid of 3 more people today. This is very easy. Lol. Fuck everyone. 

Text

I text a lot. Disdain the phone. Never have a ringer on.., leave it home, in the car.. Not a big deal. 

Lots is lost on text, if one isn't careful. I've done it; had done to me. Many think I'm harsh via text. Isn't the whole idea to be short and to the point? 

I got one tonight that I mistook, probably. Mb vice versa... It got ugly quickly. What I garnered from this exchange solidified what I've already been thinking.. Cut ties to all you've known before... Fresh; new and different. Past is passed. Some great; some good; some meh and some horrific wastes of time.

Apathy. Now there an emotion I can get down with...lol. Ironic, too. 

My, how people attempt to fuck you with words. Lost on me... You'd have to give a fuck to be fucked with.

So 2 down, about 14-20 malcontents to go. It's time to shed the baggage of these people who don't enhance any part of the life I'm trying to build for my kids and I.  

Day #2 in Suckville

So out of it. Nothingness. Not pain or hurt, but flat. Nothing to say/offer/communicate. Isn't that nice?

Back to square one. Again. This time without a helluva lot of people. Solititude. Me, kids, pooch.. It's enough. Others complicate with feelings and shit. Fuck all that noise. Couldn't care less. Leave me alone, dig? I don't want you to touch me; hug me or come in my personal space. I have no emotion. Not capable.  Leave my name out your mouth and move the fuck on because I have no interest in being who you think I should be. Don't care; won't care and cannot even fathom caring. 

That's all I got. 

Done

It's all fucked up. All of it. Every aspect.There is absolutely nothing right. 

I don't even want to think about how or when it got to this point. It doesn't fucking matter. I'm here.

So what do I do? Fold? Too easy and expected.. Forge through and pray this too shall pass? Yeah, well that's not working either. No answers. Nobody I can go to with this but me. I don't trust anyone. Zero; zip; zilch... Everyone wants something from me. I'm on empty. 

That's the deal.. Sucks to be me. Tritely understated. 

God help me and mine. 

Really?

My ex-husband is sleeping on my couch tonight. I feel violated. I don't want him here, but I'm a true avoider. I'm also not as much of a bitch as I wish I was. I don't want to hurt him. His life(if that's what you wanna call it) is lame. He knows in his heart of hearts his presence is infuriating, but after nearly 15 years, he knows I will just internally fester. He will be gone when we wake. He's too hammered now.

Really!? How I am I letting this happen?

Not my problem his roommates are having a party! Go somewhere.. Anywhere!

He has nobody and nowhere else to go. How pathetic. What in the world has that alcohol done to his brain?

So in my room with my pooch and my one child, waiting for morning.So, thought....such a moron...

As if he's brain dead..I'm just about to doze off, he comes in and says he can't breathe and is going home! Yes! Vibed him out!... Ha! 

Will I drive him home in his car and walk back? .. No, really.. he asks this!! So because I want him out.. I take him. He berades me the whole time. I'm not compassionate; I'm mean...blah blah blah blah blah.  Such a dick. Negative; complaining; piece of shit. 

My days

Trying isn't working. Busting my ass isn't working. Swallowing my pride isn't working. Total transparency isn't working. It's all spiraling out of control and I need to take the one day I have off, to take a hard look at just what in the fuck is going on. If I have too many more days like I had the past two weeks, I will need  mental health intervention. Lack of sleep; minimal confidants; numerous bills looming; mortified that I haven't been able to do this by myself....
My best conjecture is to try and regroup---rapidly. I'm out of options.

Weird ass month....

I like to be busy...but I love to chill and read a helluva lot MORE...barely keeping up with headlines makes me feel like a dumbass, ill-informed. boob. It's been pretty wild. Many "Big" deals and long range impacting decisions to be made...well, actually only 3, but they loom large.

I like to be in my home...this current residence is by far my least favorite dwelling, overall...but we manage to make it comfortable and it was slim pickings when we moved in such haste. I wish to be home more...have baked treats for my babes when they get off school; make long, involved killer dinners and most of all, the time spend with my honey's and Shug.

I'm sick. I have to address it and be serious. Can't do much until first of the year, but at that time, it has go to be one the major priorities. Poor health rattles me and I'm not gonna think about something I can't do anything about, expeditiously. Next..

I saw Craig today. Awkward--talked too much...he makes me hella nervous...or rather I allow myself to get stupid nervous around HIM...since the beginning!  My voice changes; I go all bi-polar and I end up acting like some silly fan getting star struck! Damnedest thing ever..So ridiculously self-conscious. Wtf? Not my best self.. I really hope to put that gig back on the shelf, cause for real it's ALL BAD. It's a shame I can't be his friend, but I cannot. I gotta stop running into him. Period.

I'm working too much. It doesn't suit me and  I don't want to. It's meaningless beyond a means to pay bills and the extraneous miscellanea. Boo to dumb work. Hiss to office politics--are we back in middle school? Drama is bullshit. I think sitting in my office is lovely and I should be more grateful to be employed--it's a stretch,  because I truly I don't buy it, but trying to authentically get there in my pea brain...

Christmas is upon us and another year nearly over...weird month/year, with challenges and a lot of growth in certain areas--all 3 of us. We are an independent team. Hmmm..

I like the New Year --closure and fresh starts, hopefully. This is of course self-imposed, but January is always cathartic. More shit to unload....serious mini-hoarder status going on...