The fine line

I'm not a happy person, overall. I take life pretty seriously and have lost any lightness in step that I may have once faked. I worry. I worry about my kids, my dogs, this jacked up country and the peeps minding the store...all of it.

I know better...know that stress and worry is killing me as fast as the health issues I suffer...How can I intellectualize and not act accordingly? Dichotomy is a word I use often...it fits me. Maybe Bi-polar fits, too. Fucking Pops has it; sister to some extent and certain some others in my dysfunctional lineage are/where suffers, as well. Shrinks suck it. Never sat on a couch and truly felt like I had someone who could affect change in my life...some, where more fucked up than I am! Taken the drugs--prescribed and illicit...meh...all a band aid where I need a suture.

There is a fine line between sadness and rage. I have great sadness and this enrages me. I try to keep all this from my kids, who don't need to be bogged down with the details. I see my son with some of his Mamas traits and it breaks my heart. My girl is happy go lucky...such a genuine free spirit. But the boy...a lot going on between  his ears...I have encouraged him to write, as he shares my disdain for shrinks. Over examination. Not a fan.

People suck, too. Really. I would rather spend the weekend with my dog than any person(except my kids)I'm over people. Their bullshit; their lies; their drama; their judgment. If I spend a weekend without seeing humans, I consider it a perfect weekend.

My hopes for the future include leaving the country and living in a flat in Italy. Paint, be anonymous and alone. Not that I give 2 shits what my parents think about my life, but I know this "quirk" in my personality annoys the fuck outta them. Like their thoughts on the upcoming holidays. I have assured them I will make the kids available for all the fucking reindeer games; for the extended family of posers passing judgment, etc. I choose to pass. Sounds like a fucking drag of a time I want no part of, at all. On  TG I serve the homeless and this Christmas I'm taking the kids to NYC. All frowned on--as if its a personal affront. I try to be tactful, knowing they don't get it...but fuck 'em...you cant make someone give a shit.